


No Fuss

by TheTimelessChild0



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Desperation, Embarrassment, Episode: s01e06 Dalek, Episode: s02e03 School Reunion, Episode: s02e04 The Girl in the Fireplace, Episode: s03e02 The Shakespeare Code, Episode: s03e03 Gridlock, Episode: s03e04 Daleks in Manhattan, Episode: s03e06 The Lazarus Experiment, Episode: s04e02 The Fires of Pompeii, Episode: s04e18 The End of Time (2), Friendship, Urination, Wetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-26 08:24:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21371107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/TheTimelessChild0
Summary: The Doctor learns what part of needing the loo he should worry about.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. In-tru-da window, Out-tru-da trousers

Henry Van Statten grabbed the instrument and rubbed it aimlessly. 

_ Great, that’s karma.. _ The Doctor reasoned. The soundwaves emitted, when translated by his Time Lord ears, resembled the loudest waves, waterfalls and rainstorms imaginable. Not exactly pleasant, considering his quite full bladder. After Van Statten had learned how to stroke it, it still sounded like a bubbling stream. More urinary music. 

*******

The Doctor walked into the cage, excited to welcome the alien refugee. Maybe hopefully, get it on board the TARDIS, with or without a leash, depending on its behaviour and dental plan. 

“I’m the Doctor. I’m here to help.” he introduced himself. A bright round blue light shone from the shadow across the room. It appeared to wake up as an effect of hearing him. 

“Doc-Tor?” the Dalek asked, warily. 

“Impossible” The Doctor couldn’t believe it. It was a voice he hadn’t heard for 100 years. A voice he never expected to hear again. He was certain that all the beings in the universe who had such a tone, were gone. Completely and absolutely. 

“The..Doctor?” the Dalek repeated his question.

A select number of things happened rapidly, following this statement. The light turned on, confirming that it was indeed a Dalek. The Doctor’s heartbeats increased in speed, and his flight instincts kicked in. Simultaneously with his sprint towards the big locked metal door, keeping him in, his bladder gave up. He was screaming at Van Statten, while peeing his pants in blind fear. In the back of his mind, the Doctor hoped that him wetting himself would be evidence as to his peril, and aid his escape. But in a true American way, the billionaire wasn’t fazed at all by the big blue puddle forming on the floor beneath the Doctor. So, the Doctor chose to simply move on from this bodily event, and continue talking to his worst enemy and best friend. 

***************

When Rose scolded the Doctor, he didn’t just look at himself holding the gun, he also inspected his trousers. They appeared to be sufficiently black to hide the wetness. 

But that didn’t change the way they felt like half a wetsuit. Fortunately, the wetness was limited to above the knee. Everything else had dribbled out in the Metaltron cage. 

******

The Doctor had begrudgingly agreed to let Rose’s second boyfriend come along on their travels. 

He was about to announce a need for the loo(actually a shower), when Adam noticed the Doctor’s wet slacks.

“Er, Doctor..you’ve a got a little..” Adam began hesitantly, pointing vaguely. 

“What?” the Doctor asked, worried that he had an obvious spot somewhere else, or that he’d shat himself without realizing. 

“Down there,” Adam pointed at the Doctor’s trousers. 

“You can see they’re wet?” he asked his new bro worriedly. 

“Yeah, helped by your retro lights,” Adam mentioned.

The Doctor took that as his cue to run and change. 

He returned to the curious gaze of Rose Tyler. 

“Why’d you change?” she asked, confused. 

“Had a little accident,” the Doctor admitted vaguely. 

“What kind of accident?” Rose asked, a hint of worry in her voice. 

“Toilet accident. I pissed myself,” he elaborated, blushing. 

“What?..” Rose thought for a second he was joking.

“He did, I saw the spot. His trousers were soaked,” Adam supported the story. 

Rose erupted into laughter. The Doctor joined in, optimistically self-deprecatingly. 

“Nothing wrong with Time Lord instincts,” he remarked, spurring another round of laughter. 

“ ´cept the  _ stink _ ,” Adam commented. 

And they all laughed happily ever after.  ****


	2. Big Bat People, Small Bladder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor's bladder could use some of Mickey's fear..

The Doctor strode into classroom 405 with confidence. He knew, if there was anything off about any of the students, he would get the next clue to what was going on with their education. He’d picked a good subject too, physics. His favourite back at the Academy. 

“Are you sitting comfortably?” he asked, as a form of greeting. They all just stared at him uncomfortably. 

His question reminded him, of the fact that certain parts of his anatomy were very much _ not _ comfortable. The Doctor sensed a vaguely frustrating need for the toilet. 

_ Oh, no.. _

He resolved to get through the lesson. His class was close to lunch, and he had spare time even before that. It wasn’t even that bad. 

The Doctor proceeded to introduce a couple of complicated concepts about physics. Strangely, no one was writing anything down. He expected at least one student to have heard about some of the stuff in the suspicious lessons that were obviously happening. 

Either way, he managed through the lesson ending with at least one student on his radar; Milo. 

The Doctor walked into the hallway in search of a toilet. But the school appeared to be bigger on the inside. He had to try a different floor. He was halfway down another corridor when one of the teachers, Mr Wagner, stopped him. 

  
“Where are you going? You don’t have another class till after lunch,” Wagner pointed out, narrowing his eyes at the Doctor, almost menacingly. 

“I was just looking for..” the Doctor thought for a moment. He instantly dismissed the idea of admitting where he was _ actually _ heading. 

“the break room,” he lied. 

“Follow me,” Wagner half-commanded. The Doctor accepted the alternate circumstance of finding a toilet near the teachers' lounge. Hopefully..

He distracted his bladder with some crisps, while scouring the surrounding area. Besides the door he came in, no other doors seemed to belong to a loo. His frowning was interrupted when Mr Finch introduced his guest. 

“May I introduce, Miss Sarah Jane Smith,” 

The Doctor could swear he felt both hearts stop for a second at hearing the name. And it wasn’t a lie, either. In front of him, in the middle of the teachers’ lounge..was Sarah Jane. 

His eyes began watering in nostalgic delight. 

Sarah Jane held out a hand in front of one of the two tallest teachers, who was wearing a brown pinstripe suit. 

“Hello,” she greeted the Doctor. 

The Doctor’s stomach felt like it was filled with jumping beans as he hid his amusement. They had not seen each other in many years, and for him, several regenerations. Naturally, he was a stranger to her. 

  
“Oh, I should think so,” he blurted out, kindly. 

“And you are?” she asked. 

“Smith. John Smith,” The Doctor stated his alias. 

Sarah Jane was taken slightly aback by this. 

“John Smith? I used to have a friend, who sometimes went by that name,” she remarked. 

If it wasn’t for his respiratory bypass system, the Doctor would’ve swooned to the ground. _ She remembers _…

“Well, it’s a very common name,” The Doctor replied. 

“He was a very uncommon man,” Sarah Jane told the Doctor, about the Doctor. 

“Nice to meet you,” 

“Nice to meet you. Yes, _ very nice! _ More than nice, **brilliant**,” he beamed at her, completely oblivious to how odd he was being. 

They discussed the suspicious curriculum of the school. 

“You don’t sound like someone just doing a profile,” he hinted mischievously, moving his head closer, and swaying his hips. Sarah Jane flicked sideways, noticing the movement, but only for a second. 

“Well, no harm in a little investigation while I’m here,” she admitted. 

“No, good for you,” the Doctor complimented. He was smiling in a way that was oddly familiar to Sarah Jane. And his swaying increased due to the break in the conversation. 

“Yes..thank you,” she replied awkwardly, narrowing her eyes at the swaying. It reminded her of one of the Doctor’s old habits..

“Is something wrong?” the Doctor checked, unsure if he’d acted too much like they _ both _ knew each other. 

  
“No..not exactly..it just happens that my friend used to do a sort of swaying motion when _ he _was excited, or rather, when he..” Sarah Jane stopped herself. It couldn’t be. And yet…

“When he what?” the Doctor’s eyes widened. He was both worried and hopeful for the possibility that she recognized his mannerisms for what they were. Specifically; their cause. 

“Never mind,” Sarah Jane retracted her words, walking away, still highly suspicious of the jumpy man. 

* * *

Lunch gave the Doctor no further relief. He’d circled the perimeter of the cafeteria, but Rose had found him. 

“What are you looking for? Do you..” Rose was about to ask the Doctor if he needed the loo, and he knew it. 

“Not know where the schoolyard is? No..wait, there it is!” the Doctor exclaimed in feigned surprise at seeing the main entrance to the school. He bounced away, out into the schoolyard before Rose could bring up his bladder. 

Outside was, unsurprisingly, lacking in sufficient nature and architecture for him to have a wee there. 

*******  
The Doctor’s official reunion with Sarah Jane was halted by Mickey’s screaming, and turned into a combined run and introduction of Rose. On the way, her morning observations came back to her, and she had a realization. 

  
“Wait, this means that your swaying _ was _ because..” Sarah Jane started to say, before getting interrupted by a blushing Doctor. 

  
“Not now Sarah Jane,” the Doctor quickly intervened, before she could embarrass him in front of Rose. Fortunately, they reached Mickey in the cafeteria very soon after. 

  
*********

Disappointingly, the scream turned out to be caused by vacuum-packed rats. 

“So you decided to scream,” the Doctor began his mocking lecture. 

“It took me by surprise” Mickey defended himself.

  
“Like a little girl?” the Doctor made his voice squeaky in emphasis. 

“It was dark, I was covered in rats,” Mickey rebutted. 

“Nine, maybe ten years old. I’m seeing pigtails, frilly skirt,” the Doctor swayed his hips some more, both to imitate a dancing girl, and because his bladder was about 5 minutes away from making him cross his legs. 

Sarah Jane frowned at the fact the Doctor was clearly in need of a toilet. 

  
  


Thankfully, the oil Rose collected gave the Doctor an excuse as to why he needed to go back to the school. Back to the bat people. But, Sarah Jane had a better option. Which was _ worse _ for his bladder. 

In her car, Sarah Jane stored an upgraded version of K9. 

The Doctor was crossing his legs discreetly, as he pretended to study the small robot dog. 

Sarah Jane tapped him on the shoulder, to speak in a whisper. 

“You can’t tell me there wasn’t a toilet available,” she pointed out, stroking his shoulder. 

  
“What, so I should just degrade myself to every enemy I meet?” the Doctor asked sarcastically. 

“What are you talking about?” Rose asked, impatiently waiting for them to finish their inside jokes. 

“Nothing!” the Doctor lied quickly, squeezing his crossed legs once, then separating them, albeit keeping them tightly together, feigning normalcy. 

* * *

Sarah Jane pointed out the bathroom in the café, and the Doctor rose from his seat to walk towards it. 

  
“Hey, it’s making a noise!” Mickey stated, curiously. 

“That’s great,” he noted, realizing he needed to come up with a quick excuse _ not _ to check up on K9 right away. 

“Where are you going?” Rose asked, confused. The Doctor was just standing there.

“Good question,” Sarah Jane chimed in, despite knowing the answer. 

The Doctor blushed widely at being cornered. Then he rolled his eyes at himself. 

“I just really need the loo. I’ll be back in just a moment,” he excused himself, walking quickly to the toilet. He could finally relieve himself. the Doctor urinated for quite a while, more than _ one _ moment. 

“Now then, let’s check out the pretty little fella,” he cheered, bouncing back to the gang, and the table with K9 on it. 

“Master!” his pet chirped in recognition. The Doctor spread his arms in joy, especially vigorously, now that his legs weren’t used as urinary roadblocks. 

The first thing K9 did, was scan the Doctor’s body. It detected a strained muscle in his lower pelvis. 

  
“Bio-Data Anomaly Detected,” the tin dog stated. 

“What do you mean? I’m perfectly fine!” he assured K9. 

“Affirmative. Except for a distorted muscle in the lower abdominal cavity,” K9 pointed out. 

The Doctor understood. Sarah Jane shot him a “serves you right” look. 

“What’s he talking about? What’s the matter?” Rose asked, concerned. 

  
“Go on. Enlighten the humans about how refined and sensible Time Lord biology is,” Sarah Jane invited, mischievously. 

The Doctor covered his blushing cheeks with his hand. 

“Which muscle is it?” he asked K9 unnecessarily. He was fairly confident about his guess as to which one it was. 

“the internal urethral sphincter,” K9 explained. 

The Doctor closed his eyes in embarrassment. 

“Hang on..that’s to do with weeing, isn’t it? Holding it in..,” Rose pondered. 

Sarah Jane and the Doctor nodded, the latter more slowly. 

“You told me Time Lords pee less than humans. If you _ went _ at school, then you shouldn’t have needed to go yet,” Rose realized. Sarah Jane coughed pointedly, raising an eyebrow in the Doctor’s direction. 

  
“Doctor?” Rose asked, concerned but also preparing to lecture him. 

“I didn’t go to the loo in school,” he admitted. 

“Why not?” she requested an explanation kindly. 

“I couldn’t find it, the whole building’s a bloody maze! Then, one of the ‘teachers’ stopped me in my tracks, I didn’t want to tell one of _ them, _ much less you,” The Doctor explained. 

  
“Why not me?” Rose asked. 

“You’re my friend. I care about you. You don’t need to know about my toilet needs. That’s private,” he reasoned. 

“I care about you too. That’s why you _ should _ tell me. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable just because it embarrasses you. It’s normal. I think we’ve established that I pee. I had no doubts that you did too, even before you just went,” Rose assured him. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m being ridiculous. It’s what happens when you travel alone, I suppose. Especially after the war,” The Doctor agreed. Rose patted his shoulder comfortingly, and they went on with their plan to defeat the 13 big bat people.


	3. Too many glasses of anti-oil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor actually _did_ have wine in his glass..quite a lot of it, in fact.__

“Where are we?” Mickey asked with excitement.

“It’s a surprise,” the Doctor stated, doing his best not to show his scepticism at bringing Mickey along.

The Doctor walked towards the doors. 

“Hey, maybe you should use the loo first,” Rose advised him. 

The Doctor rolled his eyes. 

“I went last night, you were _ there! _ You know I don’t need to yet,” he scoffed at the suggestion. 

“You _ expected _ to find a toilet at school, but didn’t. And you didn’t know exactly how long you needed to solve the mystery,” Rose pointed out.

“I’m not planning to get stuck anywhere. I’ll make sure of it,” the Doctor argued, opening the door before she could reply. 

  
  


The Yew Tree ball was one hell of a party. the Doctor danced, drank and snogged Madame de Pompadour a few times. He felt both tipsy and heavy. 

He felt his stomach, thinking he’d overindulged on bananas, or given himself indigestion. 

But it clearly wasn’t that. However, taking a single moment to put his hand a little further down, the Doctor figured it out. It wasn’t his gut, rather his _ bladder _.

He had overindulged on _ wine _ . This put him in quite a pickle. This wasn’t any party in any mansion. It was a _ ball, _ full of pre-French Revolution noblemen, at Versaille in the 18th century. 

Nevertheless, he turned to Reinette, next to him. 

“Ehm, Reinette? Where’s the toilet?” he asked surreptitiously.

“I wondered when you’d reach your limit..it’s right over there,” Reinette giggled and pointed to a chamber pot in a distant corner of the room. 

The Doctor nodded and walked over, shivering slightly in preparation, as the option available, gave a new meaning to the word **public toilet**. 

He had to dance slightly on the spot, and act as if he wasn’t waiting to pee in a ceramic bowl, as it was occupied. As soon as the pot had been washed and returned by one of the footmen, and said footman had walked off a bit to the side, the Doctor unzipped, and did his best to imagine that he wasn’t peeing in a room full of people who were fully capable of seeing him relieve himself. 

The Doctor returned to the dancing, and all was well. 

************

_ WHAT?! _

_ Oh, you’ve gotta be joking.. _

The Doctor felt the need to pee back in full force, only 20 minutes later. 

“I thought you said your body didn’t feel the effects the same way,” Reinette remarked curiously. 

“I don’t, but that doesn’t change the fact I’ve had like 12 glasses of wine,” the Doctor explained. 

The Doctor decided to switch to water, to maintain hydration.

********

It wasn’t particularly difficult to hear Rose’s cries for help, the moment the Doctor stepped back into the ship. His bladder decided it was an equally good opportunity to ask for another round of urination. Not that the Doctor felt it very strongly. 

He positively danced into the room where Mickey and Rose were captured. His bladder was the only barrier between him and the glass of not-wine. 

“Multi-grain anti-oil. If it moves, it _ doesn’t _,” he explained smugly. 

Alas, no sooner had Rose and Mickey been released, did the clockwork droid make a clanging noise, and sprayed the anti-oil onto the floor through a hole in its arm. The Doctor wriggled his foot away from the puddle and squeezed his thighs together tightly at the imagery. 

  
  
  


The letter from Reinette was a punch in the heart, as was closing the temporal door in the fireplace forever. He took a deep breath in and out, running his hands over his face to dry the tears. The second he let the air out, the movement in his pelvic floor woke up his bladder. He grabbed his crotch, massaging it as he ran to the toilet down the hall. The long-windedness of his wee was encouraging. It suggested he was truly empty in both his bladder and kidneys. At the very least for the next 3 days. 

The Doctor closed the door behind him and turned around at the word “ ‘Ello!” being uttered by a female voice behind him. It was Rose. 

“Feel better?” Rose asked kindly. The Doctor assured her that he was, with a nod. She patted him on the back as extra comfort. On the way back to the console, Rose smirked to herself due to the room she saw the Doctor exit. 

“I see you got another weight taken off you,” she joked hintingly.

“Yeah,” the Doctor remarked in confirmation. 

“See, this is why you should’ve gone in the TARDIS _ earlier _,” Rose reminded him. 

“For the last time: it. hadn’t. yet. been. 3. days!” the Doctor told her, exasperatedly. 

“Still, you did something in France that changed that. What was that, by the way?” Rose asked, now curious. 

“About 12 glasses of wine, +3 banana daiquiris. I really shouldn’t underestimate the power of liquids,” the Doctor noted. 

**Back in the console room**

“But, I thought alcohol didn’t have an effect on you unless you chose to,” Rose remarked. 

“That’s right, and I clearly chose to,” the Doctor reminded her. 

“So, you accidentally chose to have the ‘breaking the seal’ stuff happen?” Rose questioned. 

“Oh no, that never happens, even if I choose to get drunk. Breaking the seal has to do with human biology exclusively. This was simply a case of me drinking more than my bladder could contain in one go,” the Doctor explained. 

“Well then, my point stands: you never know when you decide to drink past your limit. Plenty of banana smoothies out there,” Rose stated. 

“Oh yes, absolutely right,” he agreed completely. 


	4. Somewhere without the need for the toilet

“Who else needs to pee?” Shakespeare asked chirpily. 

Martha raised her hand. When she turned around, she noticed the Doctor was still just standing there. 

“Doctor?” 

“Oh, I’m good,” he stated. 

“You’re sure?” Martha was doubtful.

  
“Of course,” the Doctor emphasized. 

Martha saw no discomfort, so just left with the Bard. 

************

Shakespeare chose to fill the awkward silence with a thoughtful expression. Then, he had an epiphany. 

“We had breakfast together!” Shakespeare yelped.

“Yeah, right. So?” Martha asked. 

“What are you guys talking about?” the Doctor asked.

“I was wondering why Martha seemed curious as to why you didn’t go for a wee, before our visit to Bedlam,” Shakespeare explained.

“I just remembered. We were together all morning, before we came here,” 

Martha and the Doctor just stared blankly. 

“Neither of us left the table to tinkle before we left,”

“Right,” Martha confirmed. She remembered this fact. 

Both Martha and the Bard looked at the Doctor expectantly. 

“I’m an alien,” the Doctor reminded them, shrugging. 

“When did you last go?” Will asked curiously. 

  
“At the hospital, where I met Martha. I absorbed a substance, which was quite powerful and had to be expelled,” the Doctor stated, gesturing to his crotch. 

“How often do you need to go?” Martha asked. 

“About every 3 days. It could be sooner if I drink more than it can hold,” the Doctor stated. 

“You knew he was an alien all along, why did you doubt him?” Shakespeare asked Martha. The Doctor sat down on the stage, smiling.

“She thought I was lying,” the Doctor guessed. 

Martha nodded in surprise. “How did you know?” 

“Rose would’ve suspected the same. I was a bit stupid about that kind of thing around her,” he retold with a slight blush. 

“Well, clearly you’re not any more,” Martha complimented, giving him a thumbs up. 


	5. Motorway Bladder Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One man remembered his manner, the other forgot common sense.

“What’s that noise?” the Doctor asked, hearing a beep. It seemed to be related to a small red light on the dashboard. 

“Oh, that’s just a health notification. Strange, I don’t see why it would go off,” the sharp-dressed gentleman noted. 

The man read the screen. “Must be broken,” he scoffed. 

“Why do you say that?” the Doctor asked with curiosity. 

  
“It thinks I have a full bladder. But I went at the last turn,” the gentleman remarked. 

At this moment, the Doctor was crossing his legs. Drinking water may have been useful considering the fumes outside were almost too strong for his respiratory bypass, but his bladder had been filling up in Elizabethan England, something the Doctor had been oblivious to, until he landed in this car. He rubbed his eye in embarrassed expectation. 

“Right. But I’m guessing it doesn’t just scan you as the designated driver, but anyone in this vehicle,” the Doctor guessed. 

“Well yes,” he remarked. 

“So..” the Doctor stared at the gentleman awkwardly.

“Oh, I see,” the gentleman understood. 

“Yeah..do you mind if I..” the Doctor asked politely, pointing to the back of the car. Judging by what the man had said, there clearly was a toilet in this car. 

“Not at all, it recycles the waste to food, so it could even be helpful,” the man remarked, waving a hand in encouragement. 

“Thanks,” the Doctor remarked, walking to the back. The toilet was small, but he managed either way. The Doctor was fascinated by the sight of the toilet filling a bottle with brandy, from his urine. 

“There we go. Nice tech you’ve got,” he complimented the stranger upon his return. 

“Thanks. I’ve never really thought about it. At least now we have one less thing to worry about,” the gentleman remarked. The Doctor chuckled in agreement. 

“What did the toilet make, if you don’t mind telling?” he asked the Doctor, curious. 

“Brandy, funnily enough. I enjoy a bit of brandy in my own..vehicle, so that’s..fitting,” the Doctor noted, mentioning the TARDIS vaguely. 

“Well, then I’ll have something even better than water to serve the next car-hopper,” the man smiled.


	6. Bladders in Manhattan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tale of mutual reassurance.

Martha thought about how to bring it up. 

“Are you okay?” she asked the Doctor. Her alien friend seemed to both be in deep thought, and arguing with himself about something. 

“Sure. Why’d you ask?” the Doctor commented. 

“You seem to be considering something,” Martha pointed out.

“I’m just thinking about Rose,” the Doctor attempted to discard the topic. 

“In what context?” she asked. 

_ Right. Doctor.. _

“Once, I took Rose and her boyfriend, Mickey on a trip to a spaceship, which had doors that took you to 18th century France,” the Doctor told her. 

Martha got a hidden smile on her face at the mention of Rose not  _ really _ being the Doctor’s ex. 

“Before we went out the door, she recommended I use the loo,” he explained. A blush emerged on his face, even visible in the darkness of the sewer. 

“Sage advice,” Martha agreed. 

“I didn’t think so, as I’d already been the day before. But, next thing you know, I’m at a party at the Versailles, drinking heavily, and peeing every 20 min,” the Doctor retold. 

“And this is the part where Rose points out later, that you should act based on the worst-case scenario,” Martha guessed. 

“Basically. I’m thinking about how if she were here, she’d tell me to use the sewer for its purpose, while I’m here,” the Doctor explained. 

“Indeed you should,” Martha noted, pointing at a wall. She turned around to give him the necessary privacy. 

The Doctor rolled his eyes and sighed in annoyance. He tapped Martha on the shoulder insistingly. “And I would remind her that I’d already gone the day before! I’m fine, no need. At all,” he claimed. 

“When did you get time for that?” Martha asked, confused. 

“I hopped from car to car. One of the last ones had a medical system, noticed I had to go. Plus, it had a special toilet in the back,” the Doctor stated. 

“The one that recycles waste to food,” Martha checked, cringing humorously at the memory. 

“Yes, did you use one?” the Doctor asked with interest.

“No, but the people in the car told me about it. I took a bite of a rye biscuit right before,” Martha retold.

The Doctor chuckled. 

“Still, can’t hurt,” Martha crossed her arms, maintaining her opinion. 

“This is a detour. After we find out what alien came here, I’ll take you back, and I can go in the TARDIS any time,” the Doctor argued. Martha let it go, in favour of talking to Frank. 


	7. The something bad that always happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't just involve a tuxedo...

_ Ooh. _

The Doctor put his hands on his legs, as he felt a need to pee. 

He used the wide space to walk out into the foyer unnoticed. He found the men’s room sign next to the elevator and walked over. But on the door was a sign, designating it as out of order. 

He sighed loudly in frustration, especially considering he now had to hold it until he could move up a floor and look for another toilet there. 

The Doctor returned to the party. But Martha’s mother wasn’t pleased to see him a second time; instead, she slapped him.

“Are you okay?” Martha asked, concerned. The Doctor was busy rubbing his face. 

“Always with the mothers..” he grumbled, but nodded dismissively upon seeing her expression. 

He had to squeeze his thighs together closely, as he couldn’t do the more desired thing, and grab himself in front of Martha.

Leo Jones popped out from behind a pillar, looking mildly irritated. 

“Men’s room’s out of order, Tish,” he informed his sister, who was in charge. 

“What? Oh no,” Tish looked around at all the guests wearing suits rather than dresses. 

“Lucky you, with your alien bladder,” Martha remarked quietly.

“Mhm,” the Doctor responded in a high pitch, looking around the room. 

Martha frowned at him, confused. 

****************************

The Doctor put a hand between his legs, pressing his wrist against his crotch inconspicuously.

When he stood, stiffening his lower body cautiously, he noticed Martha was giving him a sympathetic expression, and tilting her head at him. 

“There’s a toilet over there,” she informed him, pointing at a white door next to the elevator. 

“What” the Doctor blurted out in surprise.

Martha chuckled. “You’re so obvious. I’m a Doctor, you can’t hide that from me,” she remarked. 

“Right, thanks,” the Doctor replied, shyly, while blushing. He walked happily past her, out the room, quickly seeing the door that indeed was a men’s room. He entered and got his relief. 


	8. Et tu, Bladder?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gotta love the indoor toilets, yeah?"

The Doctor ran through the recently shaken-up marketplace. Right now, there was only one location on his mind: the TARDIS. Both he and Donna had to get there for 3 reasons. 1- Before the eruption, for safety’s sake 2- Before anything worse happens that implores him to interfere with this fixed point in time. And 3- He had realized that he needed to  _ go _ .

_ Slightly delayed response, but better late than never, _ the Doctor thought. 

The Doctor and Donna got a rather immense shock, when they found that the TARDIS was gone from its hiding place. 

The news that someone had bought his TARDIS was more than a little annoying in the circumstances. 

********************

The Doctor would’ve put a hand on Donna’s mouth to stop her mentioning volcanoes, if it weren't for the fact that both his hands were lodged in his pockets, squeezing his crotch secretly. 

“Vesuvius is just a mountain to them. The top hasn’t blown off yet,” he explained to Donna in front of the shrine. 

“Great, they can learn a new word..as they die!” Donna whined.

“Donna, stop it,” the Doctor complained.

Her human values were tremendously  _ not helpful _ at this moment. 

“Listen, I don’t know what sort of kids you been flying with before, but you’re not telling me to shut up,” Donna snapped back.

The Doctor squirmed uncomfortably, wincing. 

“Shut up!” he hissed quietly, almost crossing his legs. 

Donna's mouth widened in shock, and she was about to reprimand his rudeness, when she noticed his tense, hunched forward stature. 

“Are you okay?” she asked, concerned.

“Yes..no! Relatively. I really need the loo,” the Doctor admitted quietly. 

Donna made a noise of pity, and stroked his shoulder. 

“I don’t know what to do. He’s got the TARDIS,” he noted. 

“Just hang in there, Romans built indoor toilets, remember? You’ll find an opportunity to ask where it is,” Donna encouraged him. 

The Doctor nodded and took her kindness as a sign he could hold himself in her presence. She said nothing when he did. 

****************

The Doctor utilised the conversation between Caecilius and the augur, and went over to Quintus. 

“Excuse me, where’s your bath?” The Doctor requested politely. 

“At the end of the hall, behind the curtain,” he informed him. 

“Thank you very much” the Doctor practically sighed in gratitude, leaving the room unnoticed. 

The stone toilet was unusual and the Doctor was  _ relieved _ that he had been in Rome before. Then, while emptying his bladder he was further  _ relieved _ .

He flushed the urine away with the mug next to the toilet, and went to wash his hands. The Doctor spotted a small gleam of light from somewhere in the room. He turned around to dry his hands and realised that it came from the toilet bowl. Upon closer inspection, it was discovered that part of the urine had reacted with the stone and crystallised on the side of the bowl. 

The Doctor ran his fingers through his hair, but gave in and went to find Quintus. 

“I think I had a small oversight,” he explained vaguely, beckoning the boy to follow him. 

————

“Oh, that,” Quintus wasn’t faced by the sight. 

“Pee crystallises all the time. Mum blames me and dad exclusively but I know she’s done it too,” he remarked with a laugh. 

“Oh, good. ‘Cause I don’t know how to clean that,” The Doctor mentioned apologetically. Quintus waved his hand dismissively. 

“Hey, yours looks rather colourful. Did you drink something foreign?” Quintus asked curiously. 

“Often. But it tends to be like that. How my bladder works, long story,” the Doctor answered, before walking back to Donna. 

“Hey, feel better?” Donna asked kindly. 

“So much better. Felt like  _ I _ was gonna  _ erupt _ ,” the Doctor remarked, raising both eyebrows. 

“You wouldn’t think that if you’d asked Caecilius earlier,” Donna reminded him. 

“I’ll have you know, I’ve asked Madame de Pompadour for the loo once. There’s a time and a place.” The Doctor argued. 

“Well, good to hear. Molto bene,” Donna complimented. 

The Doctor smiled in agreement. 

_ I should use that word more, _ he noted to himself. 


	9. He doesn't want to go..but he should

“What?!” Addams asked, exasperated. 

“We need to go to my TARDIS,” the Doctor insisted.

“Why? What’s wrong with our ship?” Rossiter queried.

“The Master will still be able to track us if we take that,” he explained. 

“Well, can’t you do something about that?” Addams asked, turning the chair down an extra corridor, so they had time to argue. 

“Yes, by shutting down the power, but I don’t want to do that,” the Doctor lied. 

“You’re more than welcome to if it means getting out of here,” Rossiter offered. 

“That’s not the only reason,” He sighed. 

The Vinvocci looked at him expectantly. 

“Look, I’ve been stuck to this chair for  _ days _ , figure it out,” the Doctor whined. 

Wilf suddenly noticed that the Doctor was wiggling a fair bit. 

“Do you need the loo?” he asked the Doctor kindly. 

“Yes, and I’m guessing the cacti don’t possess a ship designed for long-distance travel,” the Doctor remarked. 

“Oh, well it got us here. And it  _ does _ have a toilet, don’t worry,” Rossiter assured the Doctor. 

“Alright, on you go then, I can’t be picky, stuck to this chair can I?” the Doctor noted. The chase proceeded, down some very bumpy stairs, followed by a teleport. 

***************

“Now! The toilet?” the Doctor asked, leaning forward with his hands in his lap, pressing. 

“Down that corridor, second right, down two sets of small stairs, up one set of small stairs, 3rd door on the left,” Addams directed him. 

“Thank you, cactuses!” the Doctor replied, pointing his sonic at some machinery, then running off to the loo. 

*****************

The radiation inside the Doctor had apparently elected to park itself in his bladder, as he felt it pulse painfully with urine. 

“Bit too much to drink?” Rose guessed. The man by the wall seemed to have trouble walking, but not standing up straight. So it indicated that what made him wobbly was a weight in his abdomen..his bladder, for instance. 

  
“Something like that” the Doctor quipped. 

The Ood song didn’t sooth the Doctor’s agony quite enough to prevent him stumbling forward, almost too weak to stand. He had to fight every impulse willing to just give in and let go. 

He put the TARDIS into flight and waited for the regeneration to start. He saw the light shining on his hand and walked away from the console, solemnly. 

The Doctor felt it brewing in every single cell of his body. The pain in his abdomen was completely gone. The glowing energy spread from his hands to his shoulders, slowly. 

His heartbeats gained the speed of a dozen marching Cyber-Men. Tears planted themselves in both eyes, trapped by his fear. Fear of dying, in whatever new body he would receive. Fear of changing. 

“I don’t wanna go,” the Doctor sobbed. Then..a powerful spasm in his bladder made him instantly grab himself, and cross his legs. 

“Ooh! Actually, yeah, yeah I do,” he remarked, running down towards a corridor to the toilet. The regeneration had halted. Regeneration could heal injuries caused by radiation, like the scorch marks on his face and hands earlier, but this was already filtrated urine. There was nothing to be done, except pee. So he did. It was one of the best pees the Doctor had had, in his current body. 

The Doctor walked back to the console room in surrender. 

  
“Alright. I’d rather put off dying till the next guy,” he noted. And with that..it happened. Regeneration energy consumed the Doctor’s entire body in a flash, and voila. A man with puffy dark brown hair, and a ravenous chin stepped back and forth unsteadily. The final incarnation of the Doctor. 

The End.


End file.
